Greetings, alien from Saturn! You have stepped in the online abode of (Nick), which houses his/her mindless musings and lovely rantings.
You're obviously permitted to have a look around, but of course, itchy fingers aren't entertained - so don't take what's not yours. ;)
Life is beautiful, but it's complicated..
Thursday, June 25, 2009 @ 8:02 PM


In almost 2 months, everything will be different.

I can't wait..

Friends.. relationships.. true happiness :)

It's amazing how all the pieces of the puzzle, regardless of how mixed up they were before.. seem to come together.

Relief
@ 1:08 PM

Success + Mocha Frapp + Lemon Raspberry Loaf = Happinesss but tired..

SAD..
Wednesday, June 24, 2009 @ 9:29 PM

Social anxiety disorder, also known as social phobia, involves intense fear of certain social situations — especially situations that are unfamiliar or in which you’ll be watched or evaluated by others. These social situations may be so frightening that you get anxious just thinking about them or go to great lengths to avoid them.

I can't stand living with this. I used to think the 'body dysmorphic disorder' was the main issue.. but it's not. This social anxiety disorder is the core to all of my problems.. and I feel like, maybe i've somehow been able to push aside BDD for a bit.. or maybe i've dealt with most of it. It's still there, but I wonder how much of it actually is BDD.. and what portion of it is actually just the SAD. Either way, my life right now is ridiculous. I have no social life whatsoever.. I'm working casually 'cause this anxiety restrains me from anything more.. and i'm just.. scared of life. period. I'm so worried how people react to me with what I say or do, it's insane. It's not even about looks now, i'm almost past that.. it's just in general. I can't stand feeling vulnerable in a situation.. or trying new things because of the reaction people MIGHT give me. Might, in my case, is always the negative. At least it's always negative when i'm thinking about it beforehand. I can't even go online to talk to the few friends I do have because this is all I can think of.. I can't put it aside because of tomorrow.. and I don't think I can even concentrate or focus on having a conversation because it's consuming my thoughts completely.

Tomorrow is kind of a SAD sufferer's worst nightmare.. starting something new.. meeting TONS of new people.. and not really feeling confident with what you're doing.

I'm just socially awkward, and I know I'm only speaking from my experience.. but I would trade this anxiety for another in a heartbeat. But, at least I know what the core issue is..

Confidence.

closurecoming.
Sunday, June 21, 2009 @ 9:45 PM

First off... I need to get outta here.. lol bad. I'm beyond 'hating' this place.. but for once I don't feel bitter about it. I can sit here and smile, regardless of all the shitty people i've met.. and the few..VERY few.. good ones. I'm soooooooo ready for the next chapter. The last one was one fuckin HUGE chapter that left me bored to death. I don't feel angry anymore, I just feel hopeful. I wish some people here the best.. some I couldn't care less.. and I'm just ready to move on. Is this what closure feels like? Maybe this is what this summer is meant for. Closure. So pleeease.. I need an email from a certain special University real quick here.. just to confirm everything.. Then i'm off.

p.s. Everyone.. 'thanks' for the memories.. even though they weren't so great. :)

away from the sun.
Saturday, June 13, 2009 @ 10:02 PM



It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am






Cause now again I've found myself
So far down
Away from the sun that shines into
The darkest place
I'm so far down
Away from the sun again
Away from the sun again



I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

Cause now again I've found myself
So far down
Away from the sun that shines into
The darkest place
I'm so far down
Away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way
Back into the arms that care about
The ones like me
I'm so far down
Away from the sun again

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done
And now again I've found myself
So far down
Away from the sun that shines
To light the way
For me

Cause now again I've found myself
So far down Away from the sun that shines into
The darkest place
I'm so far down
Away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way
Back into the arms that care about
The ones like me
I'm so far down
Away from the sun again

I'm gone...

Caged.
Friday, June 12, 2009 @ 6:09 PM


Lately I feel like I can understand the pain zoo animals feel. They are taken from a comfortable place in their lives, and put inside an enclosed area, ridding them of the freedom they once had. Without freedom, how can any living thing truly be happy?

I feel like I can look through the metal bars caging me in, and see the people outside.. Oh how bad do I want that life out there..

I'm tired of being sad and depressed though.. because this 'story' isn't quite the same as that of an actual zoo animal. Zoo animals are forced into an enclosement by an outside force.. the Zoo keepers etc. Well, in my case.. there is no outside force. The 'zoo keeper' is myself.. I've caged myself, and I don't know how to get out.. or let myself out for that matter. Some people are probably thinking... 'just open the door and leave.. you have the keys.. you have the power to get out.. so do it.'

I wish it were that easy.

to all you 'users'..
Thursday, June 4, 2009 @ 8:50 PM

"Some of them want to use you. Some of them want to abuse you."
Veeery true Mr. Manson.. very true..

I'm sooo tired of being the 'shoulder' to everyone. Get a different shoulder people 'cause this one just nudged you away. I am more than just a 'shoulder', you know that right?..

I do have opinions, beliefs, passions, love, respect for myself and others.. and most of all.. i'm an individual. So for some of you that only see me as a shoulder.. a wall.. a bed? whatever.. 'something to lean on' is what i'm getting at.. try somebody else now. I'm looking to be around people who consider me at least more 'complex' than that...

Am I being a bad friend? Nah.. I don't think so.. I think i've just grown a pair of balls finally and I'm not letting myself get walked on by people out there anymore. So hurrah to my new found self confidence and respect.. This is a positive for me.. but a negative for all of you 'leaners' out there. :)